Blah blah blah, I know everyone on my list/journal is dead and on to Facebook (some of you are my friends there at least), but I just needed to write again. It's been a pretty long while since I have, and I've really been meaning to, I just haven't had much time/energy/will to do so. I'm here now, though. And 21 years old.

Where do I even begin? I'm struggling. I'm in the middle of changing jobs in hope for higher pay because I have about $900 on my credit card that needs to be paid off. Thankfully, I'll be taking care of that soon with my school refund. Still, finances have been pretty tight, and it's made me so stressed and sick. I've been sick for the past two months with a cough and itchy throat that just won't go away. Hopefully it's just allergies, and hopefully they get the fuck out of dodge in time for my new job as front desk at a spa at the gym I work at now.

I haven't gone to class yet. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated to go. It's like I dread taking that first step and actually walking inside of my classroom and spending my entire day there. Although, that doesn't make sense, because I wouldn't be doing anything productive at home anyway. I need to get my ass in gear. I can't fail a class this semester. It just isn't an option. I need to go to a university already and get out of school before I go crazy. Well, crazier than I've already become.

I've done a lot of weird things. When I say weird, I just mean things I never thought I'd do. I met a guy off a website, hooked up with him that night, and had a pseudo relationship that just ended badly after two months. When I think about it, I have to take a second to actually believe it all over again. Also, I've had some encounters with certain substances that I swore I'd never do. Thankfully, it was only a one time deal that will more than likely never happen again.

My heart's pretty weak. Not literally, but in a sad teenager fresh out of high school kind of way. I broke up with my long distance boyfriend of a year and a half for a guy I had higher hopes for in person. I miss him so much. Even though I miss him, I feel like I owe it to myself to give in to the opportunity of being happy on my own. Especially this year, with my work and school load. I'd just like to take this year to focus and really work on myself and my bad habits. My best friend leaves this year, and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when she leaves. It's just going to be a heavy year, and I'm just going to have to get through it.

Other than that, I'm probably going to have my wisdom teeth taken out, which I'm stoked for.

Day One
This is a trip, looking back at this LJ from... What, 6th grade? It's crazy to see what I wrote about when I was 13. It's weird to see how strongly I felt about things back then, and seeing how sad I was about my life. Such a trip. Total fucking trip.

To give you guys an update, even though everybody has long since disbanded, it still brings me some comfort to tell this old online journal of mine just what's been going on in my life. Let's hit the key things, shall we?

- I'm 19 now, 20 in August
- Lost my virginity last year
- Have my own car
- Job as a host
- 2nd year of college
- plan on moving out this summer
- had 1st boyfriend
- play a whoooole lot of Second Life now
- generally a million times happier since AOL days

Of course, that's me on the right.

I don't know what made me want to come back and post an update entry on LJ.. Probably just the boredom settling in tonight, and just the fact that I'm feeling old familiar feelings of loneliness, even though I'm more than socially cramped in my own house. Sharing a room is hell, especially when it's too small for just one person. That's why me and my brother plan on moving together to an apartment this summer when we have money saved up.

So I guess that's all I really have to say. Does anybody even remember me? Hahaha, I was that annoying teenager that made you listen to him sing his cheesy songs. I was also the kid that was creepily "in love" with people in my middle school that I've never talked to. Ohhh boy. This definitely brings me back.


I have a new LJ name, fuckos.





I have a new LJ name, fuckos. It's "this_grudge_" ADD ME.

(no subject)
... Um.

Yeah, so I'm here in Harlingen, bored out of my mind. So... I decide to fill out an entry. I mean, why not? So let's get down to business. :o

"Social Butterfly"

Let's talk about the things that I've been thinking about. Oh, and dreams! I've had one last night. It was... Weird.


So, I had a dream last night. It starts out at some house, and it's appearantly Christmas. In my present, I get a box of juice and a clock. Yeah, I know. Random ass presents. So after that, I go to school. It's already lunch time, and I'm with Erika, and Alisha (I think). And... I see Jordan and one of his friends, Chris. (Which sometimes I pay special attention to, JUST because he hangs around Jordan. He's actually pretty ugly, but probably a good friend? Nyeh.) We sit down, and Jordan just sits there, looking at me. Then he goes... "Hey Bobby, wanna get something to eat?" Yes, Bobby. That's my nick name at school. My friend Brittany gave it to me. :D So we get in line, and inside the place where we get our food, it looks like... A Cabana Nights Club or something. It was dark, neon lights everywhere, and OOOH, a buffet! I get macaroni and cheese (which really is noodles, and blocks of cheese in cold water.) which is disgusting looking. I get it anyway. In my dream, I thought "maybe it needs the water to dilute." Har har har. Using big fancy shmancy words in front of Jordan. Oh, and that was the end. Pretty fucking bizarre.

Weirdness Level: I've had weirder.

This is a very short entry, I know. But my hands are tired from KOF. See ya lat--- Oh wait. I hate you Lisa. See ya in school, bitch! :)

What a fucking bitchwhore.

(no subject)
Finals, finals, and more FINALS!

Ugh! This week sucked a bit! Finals for every class. Did I pass? Most likely. Alot of them were easy as blonde hookers. So, I'm praying I did just fine. Oh! Let's get on with the social life.

Beauty and the Beast (Johnny and Lisa)

Johnny: Ok, I lied. I still like him just a bit!

So... I still like him a little. No big deal... I'll get over it. He's just really... Cute? I don't know. He's not even that hot. It's just the fact that I have no way of communication to him. It blows! Oh, and that fucking slut, Lisa. UGH. Can she like, stop staring at me? She's doing everything she can to try and make me notice her. Can I say something I thought was so SAD that she did? She wore... Avril clothes. That's right! A white dress T with a tie. Umm... One thing for me to say. It's 2004, biotch. Hurry up a couple of years, huh? Ugh! She always laughs at the things I do, as if she's my friend. We're not. She needs to get that straight!

Frustration Level: 8 1/2

Just a Friend... Right?

I can't help but be attracted to him. He's hot as hell. But... We're just friends. And that's it! Damn sexual orientations!

Frustration Level: 6? Or 5.

I'm in love! Oh wait. His name was...?
??? I THINK it's Chris... ???

Ok, there's this guy. He's really cute, and gives me the impression that he's gay. Even if he was, he probably wouldn't be attracted to me. Oh well! He's still really cute. I heard in the hallway, somebody call him. I THINK I remembered it as Chris. I THINK, I'm not sure.

Frustration Level: Curious! 10!!!


Well alright! Thanks, and have a great Christmas Holiday, SPHS! ;\!

(no subject)
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(no subject)
Rah rah rah!

It's Saturday, and cold as fuck! Let's review over this week, shall we?

Neck-Deep in Shit

Uh-oh! Math isn't going so well. Mrs. Castle is thinking about calling the failure's parents? Uh, no. I just had to do something about it. I just gave her my cellphone number. She hasn't called yet, that ditz.

Mission still in progress.

Frustration Level: 8 1/2


Hmm. Don't know what to say, but that he'll make an attempt to talk to ME. How weird. It's usually the other way around. Hmm... He's so funny. So... He's not afraid of the school gay guy! O_O!

Mission still in progress.

Frustration Level: 2. Hey, we're friends now! No frustraton there.


No use. What an asshole. Him and that little bitch Lisa. I don't show that I hate them in school. I swear, it's like they're TRYING to get my attention. TRYING to scream in my face... "Haha, look at him, he doesn't have me, but Lisa does!" I have a very good talent about hiding my emotions about somebody. Tee-hee. :)

Mission Complete!

Frustration Level: Uh, zero? What's there to be frustrated about if he's just another jerk?


What a cool guy. Do I still have a crush on him? Well, maybe, maybe not. It's hard to tell. He's really nice to me, and will make an attempt to talk to me. And we're really good friends. Yay! Hard work pays off. Straight? Of course he is. But that does't mean we can't joke around with each other. He'll always be a great friend to me, no matter what.

Mission Complete!

Frustration Level: No frustration here. :D


Okie hokie. I'm done with this week. What a shitty week! >:( But then again. I've had worse. See ya later, sweetie. <3

(no subject)
Your Stripper Name is: Cookie

(no subject)
What a busy weekend. Well, not really. But I saw the first four episodes of Queer as Folk on DVD, and played Mortal Kombat Deception. So, I had fun.

Social Life:

Oh great. Let's talk about what's been happening with me and my friends.

Lacey and Joel

First off, Lacey has a thing for Joel, and she wanted me to ask Joel if he'd go out with her, or if he still liked her.

Bad news.

Well, I asked him, and he said...
"Well... Kinda, but i wouldn't go out with her."



Ok, I don't know what's going to become of that, but I know it won't be pretty.

Frustration Level: 6

Lisa and Johnny

Second, let's talk about Lisa and Johnny.

... Yeah, I know. Fun, hmm?

Not for ME.

It's obvious they're crazy for each other. But I'm not too crazy for them.

But, it's THEIR thing, it's THEIR deal, and it's THEIR problem. It's not my fault they can't grow the balls to admit that they like each other. I mean really, is it so hard just to come out and say it, and actually go FOWARD? I feel like punching both of them in the fucking face.

Frustration Level: 8

Erika and Alex

Oh boy. These two SERIOUSLY need to split. You see, Erika's afraid of Alex's reaction when she breaks up with him. Ok, first, to understand this, you need to know what Alex is like.

Alex: A "pretty" fat mexican guy who isn't even that pretty, just acts like it. He has the worst hair, the worst personality, and flaunts what he don't got, if you know what I mean. He flirted with his math tutor, who is a fat bitch just like him, and needs to brush his fucking teeth once in a while. On top of that, he's too clingy, and way too fucking jealous.

Ok, simply, Erika needs someone who's actually worth her time. Thank you, come again.

Frustration Level: 7

Jordan and... What's her face?

Ok, what's the deal? I am so mad over nothing. Literally, nothing. One thing that's actually positive about crushes, it passes by the time. Jordan makes Gym and Theatre Arts bearable. Oh, and who's this emo looking slut he's holding hands with? Some bitch with too big of a forehead and so much acne that everytime she laughs she pops a zit. What does he see in her? Ok, I know what's your thinking...

"Maybe he likes her for her personality!"

Uh, do you NEED me to slap a big fucking "C" for CLUELESS on your fucking head? So far from what I've seen, personality can't even make up for her hideous features. She doesn't even look like the nice type.

Frustration Level: BIG FUCKING 10, BIATCH.

Enough about you, let's talk about me for a minute.

Some people need to get attitude adjustments. Like this one guy on B day. He comes up to me and Betsy, and starts calling me a "fruity little fag?" Uh, ok, you did not just say that to me in public. ESPECIALLY if you're 5'3 and have eyes that go in so deep inside your fucking face you can see down your own throat. So that's when I turned on the bitch switch.

"Uh, who the fuck are you? How the hell do you call me something if you don't even know my fucking name? You know what, you better BACK the fuck up, before I THROW up. Now step it, prick-bitch."

You know what I'm fortunate for? That if you cuss in front of a teacher, they won't do a god damn thing. I thank Paris and Erika for things to say when an asshole talks shit about you.

Frustration Level: Over the fucking top.

Moral for the Week: Be thankful for friends who will defend you when people decide to be assholes for no reason.

Personality for the Week: Bitchy, hungry, and down-right moody.

Thanks for tuning in. Bye bye now.

*Cheesy music plays as credits roll*


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